


I love you as a friend

by KaitoKuroiRico



Category: Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Genre: Dark Thoughts, M/M, My Cringy Writing Abilities in English xD, POV Lefou, Suicidal Gaston
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 22:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13351200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitoKuroiRico/pseuds/KaitoKuroiRico
Summary: Gaston survived the fall, but the boys still have a lot of issues and hidden feelings to talk about.Don't expect much, it's pretty simple, my writing English is horrible, but I just wrote it on a wave of Gafou inspiration, so...  here you go xD ps and also to clear things up the rating is just for depression theme, there won't be any funny business xD





	I love you as a friend

**_«When man has nothing to loose, he can be considered a dead man.»_ **

I remember one day when we were kids, we were laying with Gaston on a hill, staring at the skies. There was nothing really fascinating there, just ordinary boring clouds, but there was not why we were doing it.

– What do you think about girls. LeFou?

– Girls? 

It always confused me when Gaston was in one of his «serious moods». He could ask anything at all and I never had a prepared answer in advance.

– Yeah.

– Well…they smell nice.

Gaston just chuckled.

– You smell like a cinnamon and vanilla all the time. Does it make you a girl?

I remember I blushed so hard at that comment and tried to stutter:

– T-they’re p-pretty too.

Gaston turned his gaze away from the skies and looked at me for a long time, then finally saying:

– They’re, aren’t they? But no more than me.

It was always kind of inside joke of us, my praises to Gaston and his narcissistic tendencies. Then it escalated dramatically. WHY? People call me a «fool», how would I know? But if you want my opinion, my luck guess, is was his defense mechanism, or whatever those noble people call it nowadays. And trust me when I say Gaston had a lot of things to defend himself from.

– You know, we gonna marry one of them when we’ll get older?

We never actually talked with each other about our «feelings», it’s just what our friendship was like and what Gaston was like. At least when I met him.

And I never really questioned any of his actions or words, cause I didn’t want to question them.

– I know, – I said quietly, not having a courage to ask what brought that conversation.

– Do you want to?

I just shrugged, I was 10 for God’s sake, maybe 12, I could really care less. I was just happy to be where I was, I needed nothing else. 

– Do you?

Gaston wasn’t answering for a long time, but then quietly whispered:

– No.

And that was it. I never knew what he meant by that. Was it because he wasn’t interested in anything but himself? Was it because he didn’t want to be like his cheating and hating each other parents? I never even let myself thought about the last option. That maybe he was just not interested in girls?

***

I remember after one of our classmate’s parents died of the plague we were sitting at the river with Gaston silently, he asked myself:

– Are you afraid of death?

It wasn’t heartedly talk, he was just asking, I was answering, no feelings involved. It was better like that. It was his way of dealing with pain.

– I’m not afraid of dying. You just fall asleep and that’s it, – Gaston just hummed and I continued: – But I’m afraid of your death.

He looked at me puzzled:

– Why?

– Because I care about you.

He sighed.

– You’re really a mad man.

I don’t think he was incapable of loving. I know he felt something deep down inside his soul, but he tried really hard to avoid it. Especially after the war. The war taught Gaston one thing: sometimes you need to shut down all of your emotions to simply survive. Every freaking week, or even day we lost someone. It was gruesome. It was devastating. It was agonizing. But he never showed us that it bothered him. He tried to be perfect, confident. And I boosted his ego, praising him more and more. Maybe it was my fault after all. Because I liked it. I liked that I could say all those things, that he let me, that it pleased him. And I just wanted to get anything from him, from my ice man in return. 

***

You’re probably wondering why am I telling you all this. Why should you care? You shouldn’t. I guess I’m just trying to entertain myself, cause apparently wait is the worst torture of all. And watching Gaston after his fall is the worst torture of all.

If someone told me before that it’s possible to stay alive after falling from what? Few kilometers hight? I’d call them crazy. But I guess Gaston was always an exception to the rules. 

That freaking bastard, he freaking had a nerve to survive. I found him breathing weakly on the ground with broken ribs and arm, cuts and bruises and took him to my cottage. I even brought a doctor to examine our ex-Captain, but the old man just shrugged, taking few coins and saying that nothing is too serious and only time will tell.

– When is he gonna wake up?

– Who knows.

Apparently «who knows» is a very long time.

***

He woke up a week later. I just came into the room and was greeted with a sight of his broad shoulders and scars on his back.

– I know you’re awake, - I said maybe a little bit too harsh.

– Where are I? – his voice was far from that loud confident thunder that it was before.

– At my place.

– Couldn’t you just leave me there to die?

– Yeah, why couldn’t you just die? – I shouted and slam the door, coming out of the room.

In reality I didn’t really mean anything I said, I was just angry and pissed at my Hunter. Even now I call him «mine» in my  head. It’s quite pathetic, isn’t it?

***

The next time I walked in the room Gaston had his old hunting knife to his neck. That knife had quite the history. Gaston’s first dear was killed and gutted with it. I never really saw an appeal of hunting, but Gaston was addicted to it. Especially he liked the chase. He liked winning. Gaston ached for that sweet substitute to feel himself powerful and great again. Glorious. Worshipped.

– What the hell are you doing?

– YOU wanted me dead if I’m not mistaken, – he chuckled, not looking at me.

– Give it back to me, – I demanded  and came closer to the bed. 

He gave it without any protest.

– Still scared of my death? – The Hunter asked tiredly and fell back to the pillow.

– Too scared you’ll ruin my favorite bedsheets.

– Finally grew a pair? I like it. It suits you. And I can always do it elsewhere.

I sighed, took the knife away in the pocket and put a hand on my face. I wasn’t used to it. This Gaston was new to me.

– Why? – quietly came from  the bed few seconds later.

– Why what? – I asked looking once again at Gaston.

– Everything. Why didn’t you left me there? Why brought me here? Why you continue to take care of me? Treat my wounds?

– It was doctor’s doing not mine.

– LeFou, you really think that after all this time I wouldn’t recognize your messy band-aid work?

I just shrugged:

– So what? Why start now? You never cared about those things before.

– But didn’t I? 

This new Gaston was illogical and impulsive. He was filled with raw emotions and it was…confusing.

– Just go back to sleep. You need to gain strength.

– What for? – his voice was so small and hollow that I cringed.

– Just do what I say.

– Is that an order? – he asked teasingly.

Yes, this new Gaston was definitely weird.

***

Ex-Captain’s healing was a hard, but not too time-consuming process. After all we’re talking about Gaston, man with admirable muscles and extraordinary physics. He was on his feet just few days later. Standing in front of a mirror, looking at all of the bruises and healed cuts, that left little accurate scars on his beautiful…

– It’s disgusting.

I turned my head his way, taking dirty sheets from the bed.

– What exactly?

– Can’t you see it? My face.

Oh yeah, how could I forget about his narcissistic side. Guess the fall  left quite a mark on his ego afterwards.

– Isn’t it all you ever liked about me? My handsomeness? Strong physics? Always winning personality? Look at me now.

– I’m looking, Gaston, – I said and came closer, staying just behind him, still looking intensely in his eyes in the mirror. – And I see no difference.

He chuckled.

– But I see you have changed. Mustache? Really, LeFou? I would never took you for the type to wear it.

– Shut up.

– Eh, – he sighed and put left hand through his hair. – Look at us, we’re ridiculous.

He never clarify why.

***

Never in my life I would consider Gaston to be a depressed person. He was so strong and mesmerizing, he was beyond it. Depressing was for someone else, for anyone… just not him.

He just sat there for days. On the bed, on the chair, looking through the window, silently thinking…dangerous pastime. He never even wanted to get outside, to come back to his own place. He was just…wrong.

– Do you think I was supposed to survive? – he asked me one day.

I was at a loss for words.

– I was a «villian», I almost killed the prince, cursed or not. Now Belle is with him, she’s happy. Everyone’s happy. And where’s my place in all this «happy ending»? Should I even have one?

I couldn’t think of anything else to say other than:

– I need you.

He just laughed.

– You can have someone better.     

And I’ve never knew was he referring to Stanley, that came from time to time to see me or someone else.

***

– Do you really think he might try to kill himself? – I asked Stanley once when we were at his place.

He just laughed at my face.

– Come on, LeFou, are we speaking about the same size of a barge man, who eats 5 dozen eggs every day? His pride is deeply hurt after the fall, but no-one’s ever died before of wounded ego. He’ll get over it. Give him time. He’ll be once again chasing women in no time.

I nodded.

But Gaston never had such a big attack on his ego before. Who knows what to expect? And by the way he also never really chased any woman, except Belle.

***

I think I should’ve seen it coming. Day after day, entertained only by his thoughts, being 1 on 1 with doubts, guilt, angriness, hurt, pain, all mixed together. It was a miracle it hadn’t happen sooner.

One afternoon he just snapped.

I was in the kitchen, when I’ve heard loud clatter. Knowing the state Gaston was in I expected the worst. But nothing could prepare me for what I saw after opening the door to his room. The man was furious, broken chair in the opposite corner of the room, his chest raising and falling rapidly.

– Gaston, calm…– barely a whisper. 

I tried to get closer to him and calm him down, maybe massaged his shoulders or once again reminded him about deep breaths, but he just glared at me. 

– Don’t you dare. You always do it, – he shouted angrily. – Calm me freaking down. That’s why it all turned to shit. Every freaking time you tried to avoid it, to switch my attention… And it freaking worked.

I was confused, but at the same time anger began to raise out of me.

– So you’re saying it was all my fault? It wasn’t my fault you was so obsessed with Belle and killing the Beast you lost your mind! It wasn’t me who left his best friend under the harpsichord or whatever he was.

– LeFou, – his voice suddenly became so gentle, but at the same time so sad. – Don’t…

– And you haven’t even apologized once! Once. Is it so much for almighty Gaston?

– But you wouldn’t believed me! - he once again raised his voice.

– Well, have you tried?

– Cause why should you? I wouldn’t.

– But I’m not you!

– Yeah, – he chuckled darkly. – That’s the problem.

– What’s that supposed to mean?

He shrugged then and slide down the wall to the floor and hugged his knees. Such an un-Gaston gesture.

– I’ll leave.

– I’m not asking you to.

– I don’t want to be a bother.

– I’m sorry, and I hearing correctly? You, one of the best existing, intimidating specimen of all, who freaking used me, don’t want to bother me? That’s rich.    

Gaston cringed.

– Don’t mock me, Fou.

I sighed, came closer and sat in front of the Captain.

– What brought all… – I waved my wrist around, – this.

He shrugged.

– You know you’re the best. 

I nodded, not believing a word, because have you really looked at me? Fat, ugly, lonely, freak. 

– You deserve the best.

– So do you.

He laughed, but it sounded so bitter that my chest began to ache. 

– You seriously never got it. After all this?

I furrowed my brows.

– Got what?

– It was always you, fool. My Le Fool.

There is a moment in everyone’s life when you so desperately want to hear what you want to hear, you want to believe it, but you can’t, cause if it turns out to be a lie it would shatter you to bits.

– And now it’s too late.

– Why?

– You’re with Stanley, are you not?

He looked puzzled. Confusion always made his face look more puppy-like.

– Oh.

I thought at that moment I finally let myself believe that it was what I thought it was.

– But we’re not. He’s just…a friend.

– Just like we always were…friends. 

Gaston said the last word in such a manner that I began to feel heat raised in my cheeks.

– So was you ever…towards me? – I dared to ask.

He just chuckled and turned his face.

– You still don’t get it, are you? Ever since we were kids it always was you.

– But why haven’t you said anything?! – I exclaimed.

– Haven’t I?

Well except maybe that one time long time ago at the hill, or that one moment when…

– You don’t remember it, do you? It’s probably for the best, – he let his head lay on the wall. – Anyway, it was never meant to be. We don’t live in fairy tale, LeFou, good things don’t happen to such kinds like me. What future we would’ve had…have? Sodomites. To end up in a looney house or to be burned alive? Such a nice perspectives. 

He put his hands together and intertwined fingers. 

– You still can do so much better than me. I’m defective. I’m just incapable of loving. That’s what my dad told me every time he tried to beat me into pulp. I’m just all types of wrong. With all those angry issues, I was so afraid that one day I would turn into him, with that aggressive behavior. And look where am I now? I hurt the only person that was ever kind to me, the only one who truly cared.

I covered his hands with mine.

– Why haven’t you told me about all that before?

– About what? How frustrated I was? How angry I was to end up just like my dad? To marry someone because it’s what would society expect me to do? How scared I was to end up like him, hurting the only one who ever mattered? You just don’t know your own value. I could care less what the hell you see in your reflexion. All I see is light, you’re like a sunshine, you’re caring and kind, wise and loyal, patient. Every time I thought about home I thought about you. You don’t get it how much I wanted to avoid it. I always tried to put a smile on your face, because it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You don’t know how much I pushed myself sometimes, especially in the war to get your praises, because some days it was the only thing still worth fighting for and moving forward. But I destroyed everything with my own hands.

Tears began to run down Gaston’s eyes, but he was not the only one crying.

– That’s maybe why I shouldn’t be born. I’m abnormal, – he half sobbed, half-shouted. – I just like him. I ended up twisting your kindness to my advantages, using you, abandoning you. What the hell is wrong with me? He freaking ruined me. I just wanted to be happy. Just…why…it should’ve ended like…THIS?! This is a disaster. You asked me why haven’t I said anything? Could you imagine how much worse would it be if I had? You should know better and stayed away from me since the day we met. But you decided to stay. Your «clinginess» be damned.

We sat silently until we ran out of tears. I didn’t know what to say. I was scared to say anything at all.

– And all this time I thought I was the one with all the issues.

Gaston just laughed and raised his eye to look me in the eyes.

– Hey, – I said silently and wiped tears with my thumbs from his cheeks. – Look at us, we’re ridiculous.

– I thought it was my line.

I smiled.

– And for the record, not that it matters now but I would feel much more at ease if you told me. Also if I knew about at least  half of all your issues, we could easily avoid all that mess. Cause seriously, Gaston? Belle? That idea was a disaster from the start.   

– Wasn’t it? – he laughed and sighed. – I guess somewhere along that chase of trying to be «normal» I a little bit lost my mind.

– «A little bit», ha?

– Oh, piss off. But anyway…thanks for listening or whatever. You’ll be happy with Stanley. He’s a lucky man.

I sighed dramatically. Are we still gonna go that way?

– Or, for the love of God, – I grabbed his cheek and covered his lips with mine. – Just shut up, would you?

***

– So are we okay now? – Gaston asked that evening at dinner, after we cleaned the room and made us look presentable.   

– I don’t know. Are we? 

– I still have a lot of issues.

– I knew you were a difficult one from the start and still stayed. Nothing changed Gaston.

– Do you think we’ll ever get our happy ending?

– You’re a freaking Gaston, you’ll chase it with a fork or your own stubbornness.

He laughed and laid his head on my shoulder.

– Thanks, Fou.

– Anytime, Gaston.

***

  _Gaston’s serious moods were really weird. At that time he popped random questions out of nowhere._

_– Do you think it’s wrong to love?_

_– Why would it be wrong? It’s not something bad._

_– Even if everyone else would be against it? – he turned his head towards me and smiled. – Like for example if it were you and I._

_– But why would it be wrong for me to love you? You’re my friend. Of course, I love you as a friend._

_Gaston just smiled and covered my hand with his._

_– You know, I love you too, Fou… – and after long pause he added: – As a friend._

 

17.11.17


End file.
